The Two Times Batman Beat Superman's Ass
by VanessaWolfsbane
Summary: and The One Time He Saved It. T for language.


The Two Times Batman Beat Superman's Ass and the One Time He Saved It

"Alright, gentlemen, I want a nice, clean fight." The man's eyes flickered to Batman, who glowered at him. He cleared his throat. "That means no weapons,"-Batman unbuckled his belt and tossed it to Robin, who was standing outside of the ring with an excited grin- "and no superpowers."

"I can't turn them off, but I'll try my best," Superman promised.

"Then let the First Annual Charity Super-Brawl begin!" The man was diving out of the ring almost before the words left his mouth. A roar of screams and cheers erupted from reporters and spectators alike.

And thus the fight commenced.

Superman charged at a human speed which Batman easily evaded.

They danced around each other for a full minute before Superman lunged, swinging his fist for a gut punch. Batman stepped aside and latched onto the arm, using Superman's own momentum to propel him across the ring. He landed on his stomach with a solid thump, jumping back to his feet and turning to face his opponent once again.

Batman held his hand out, palm up, and curled four fingers. A challenge.

Slightly faster this time, Superman rushed Batman, feinting to the left before ducking to the right, his fist clipping Batman's shoulder. Batman spun in on the impact, squatting and sticking out his leg to swipe Superman's legs out from underneath him.

Superman landed on his back and Batman straddled his chest, left hand holding down his shoulder and right forearm pressed against his throat.

"Not so tough without your superpowers, are you?" Batman sneered.

"Tough enough," Superman responded, bringing a knee up to knock Batman between the shoulder blades. Taking advantage of Batman's surprise, Superman flipped Batman onto his back, knees on either side of his waist and hands firmly pressing down on his shoulders.

"Not so tough without your toys, are you?" Superman mocked.

"Tough enough," Batman growled, bending his knees and locking his ankles around Superman's. With a swift tug, Superman was knocked off balance, allowing Batman to roll out from underneath him and kick his back, sending him sprawling on his stomach in an undignified heap.

* * *

"Bruce! Bruce you _gotta_ see this!" Bruce Wayne barely had time to look up from his paperwork before Dick was thrusting a magazine into his face, excitement pouring off of him in tidal waves. Bruce merely raised an eyebrow and took the offered tabloid with as much dignity as possible when facing a hyperactive teenager.

_Bruce Wayne Beats Out Superman For This Year's 'Sexiest Man Alive' Title!_

Bruce's lips twitched up into the shadow of a smile as he opened the magazine to the article and began to read.

_Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne regained his title of 'Sexiest Man Alive' this year, soaring past the Man of Steel (buns), who held the title for the last four years. Critics believe the credit for this comeback goes to a recently surfaced photo(image 3) taken by up-and-coming Daily Planet photographer James Olsen. The photo was taken at a Wayne Foundation fundraiser several months ago, and depicts Bruce Wayne winking and smiling during an unofficial interview with Daily Planet investigative reporter Lois Lane. The angle of the photo shows off not only Brucie's flirtatious face, but also his amazing..._assets_. One thing's for sure though, this photo provides enough evidence to guarantee the public that Bruce Wayne's new title is _very_ well deserved._

Bruce was grinning by the time he dropped the magazine and turned back to Dick, who was beaming at him from across the desk.

"How long do you think he'll be?" Dick asked, perching on the corner of the desk and smirking at the magazine.

"For the man who's faster than a speeding bullet? A matter of seconds now."

"_Bruce!_" Superman bellowed, brushing past Alfred into the study. "Were you _flirting_ with _Lois_?"

"Come now, Clark," Bruce smirked. "Surely you have no reason to be jealous. After all, you're the _second_ sexiest man alive."

* * *

"Stay with me Clark, stay with me," Batman chanted as he dug the tweezers further into Superman's back like some bloody, oversized game of Operation. He pulled out another shard of kryptonite and promptly dropped it in the lead-lined pouch on his belt.

"C-careful Bruce," Superman wheezed. "Someone might think you care."

"Just keep talking," Batman growled, sliding the tweezers back into the already closing hole. "Tell me what an ass I am, tell me about your last date with Lois, just keep talking." Superman groaned as the receding tweezers forced the hole back open.

"You're not an ass, Bruce," Superman whispered, letting his eyelids slowly close.

"Clark!" Batman barked. "Don't you dare go to sleep!" Superman's eyelids fluttered open a tad.

"Bruce I'm so tired," he sighed, letting them slide together once more.

"Don't you dare give up, Kent. The world needs Superman. _I_ need Superman," Batman rumbled, carefully removing another piece of the glowing rock.

"You don't need anyone," Superman argued weakly. "You're the goddamn Batman." Batman chuckled, his laugh containing only a trace of the panic he was feeling.

"You know as well as I do that's not true." Another shard of kryptonite met the belt.

"Is the almighty Batman admitting to a weakness?" Superman gasped loudly as the kryptonite scraped his healing flesh on the way out.

"I'm admitting to humanity," Batman grunted, still intent on his makeshift surgery.

"Didn't-" gasp "-didn't know you cared so much."

"Don't flatter yourself." Another shard.

"C'mon, you know you love me," Superman taunted weakly, fighting as his eyelids threatened to close again.

"You're a self-righteous, pompous, over-confidant hack who regularly saves the world with nothing but luck and a prayer." Another shard.

"Gee, didn't know you thought so highly of me."

"Didn't know you cared so much about what I thought."

"You know I've always admired you." Superman's eyelids threatened to close and Batman snarled.

"Snap out of it, Kent!" Another shard.

"Anyone can be a hero when they have _superpowers_. A _regular_ man is the only truly _super _hero."

"Are you implying that I'm a regular man?" Superman coughed, gasping as the tweezers hit the side of the wound.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he panted.

"That's what I thought. Okay, this is the last piece," Batman stated, watching as the gaping flesh mended behind the chunk of rock.

"Can I go to sleep now?" Superman pleaded, losing the battle with his eyelids once again.

"Only if you promise you'll wake up again. For me."

"I promise."


End file.
